Politics 🏛️

Donald Trump has declared many wars in his political career — on windmills, on toilets that “don’t flush right,” on the English language itself — but today he opened up a brand-new front: Tylenol. In a rambling press conference that had aides Googling “how to walk into the ocean,” Trump announced that acetaminophen “causes tremendous autism, the most autism, especially for babies still in the womb. I’ve read many articles, the best… Read more

AOC and Whoopi Announce Unlikely Plan Washington DC was shaken this week by an unexpected proposal from Representative Alexandria Ocasio Cortez and television personality Whoopi Goldberg. During a joint panel on sustainable living, the pair suggested that Arlington National Cemetery, one of the nation’s most hallowed grounds, should be transformed into what they described as a “thriving vegan community garden that honors the planet.” “We need to think about the future, not… Read more

CLINTON, NY — After weeks of speculation about the sudden July demolition of Clinton’s beloved town pool, the Clinton Central School District has finally revealed the reason: the area will soon be home to the “Love Is Love Playground,” a state-of-the-art play space for LGBTQ+ kids—and, as officials cautiously clarified, all kids really. District superintendent Jessica Newmill announced the project Thursday, calling it “a crucial leap forward for diversity, childhood development, and… Read more

Supreme Court Declares “Beauty Quota” Unconstitutional In a decision that legal analysts are calling “the end of an era” for cable news, the United States Supreme Court ruled 8-0 on Wednesday that FOX News must immediately hire “a statistically representative sample of unattractive women” as news personalities. The majority opinion, penned by Chief Justice John Roberts, declared that the network’s “historically exclusionary hiring practices” violate basic standards of fairness and threaten the… Read more

PORTLAND, OR — Local software designer Lucas Whittaker experienced a rapid series of emotional shifts Tuesday evening after reading a news article about a man who died from COVID-19, according to those familiar with the incident. Whittaker, 29, reportedly began by expressing deep sympathy for the unnamed victim. “It’s just heartbreaking to see this pandemic still claiming lives,” he was overheard telling a roommate, while looking somberly at his phone. However, moments… Read more

OMAHA, NE— A sleepy suburban neighborhood in Omaha was reduced to smoking rubble early Tuesday morning after Nintendo reportedly deployed an elite paramilitary strike force in a ruthless crackdown against residents accused of creating and distributing homemade Legend of Zelda-themed keychains without proper licensing. Eyewitness accounts from survivors of the incident describe a well-coordinated assault beginning shortly after 2:00 a.m., as sleek black vans emblazoned with the Nintendo logo surrounded the peaceful… Read more

Thousands face penalties after watching “Busty MILFs 7” without proper documentation By Staff | July 31, 2025 | London, UK The British government has confirmed that more than 14,000 citizens are under investigation for unauthorized wanking following the rollout of the UK’s new Wank Licensing Scheme, a digital regulation program designed to promote “responsible solo release” and curb what officials are calling “unsanctioned private emissions.” Under the Digital Personal Conduct Act, adults… Read more

Claims iconic Super Mario power-up may contribute to “distorted neurological expectations” in children By Staff | July 28, 2025 | Washington, D.C. U.S. Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has directed a preliminary review into the potential neurological impacts of Power Stars featured in Nintendo’s Super Mario video game franchise, citing concerns that such mechanics may influence childhood cognitive development, including potential correlations with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). The internal review,… Read more

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Donald Trump took the stage Tuesday at Mar-a-Lago to unveil what he called “the greatest, classiest, most beautiful trade deal in American history,” proudly revealing a custom-made, life-size statue of Chun-Li, the iconic fighter from Street Fighter, flanked by a pair of velvet ropes and a live marching band playing a slowed-down version of her theme. In exchange for the statue, the United States agreed to a… Read more

Robin's Unraveling In the heart of a bustling park, under a sky heavy with summer clouds, Robin stood tall—or at least, she tried to. The photo captured her in that fleeting moment of defiance: curly hair tousled by the breeze, sunglasses perched on her nose, and her hands gripping a handmade sign that twisted Robert Frost's famous words into a sharp political jab. "TWO PATHS DIVERGED IN THE WOODS AND AMERICA TOOK… Read more