After a terrible turn of events, a zookeeper at a Brooklyn Zoo is suggesting Park patrons harass two star Penguins. Why? For being homosexual. Mary Lee, the parks top zookeeper has this to say: Atom and Stevie are completely Inseparable and it's starting to rub off on the younger male Penguins. What happens if this continues? The Gentoo penguin population will dwindle or even go extinct due to lack of mating. Zookeeper… Read more
While Kathy west of Hamburg New York pulls her brownies out of the oven we are overwhelmed with cries of pain coming from the second floor of her Posh townhouse, but Kathy's only concern is the consistency of her brownies which she says is "too thick". She throws them in the trash while humming her favorite show tune (the Armour hot dog theme song), and reaches for a new box of brownie… Read more
A hard pressed ATF is fed up with the rash of the recent boating accidents resulting in loss of firearms across the nation, so they have decided to team up with none other than the legendary film maker and anti 2nd amendment enthusiast James Cameron to do something about it. ATF director Thomas Brandon states that thousands of guns fall into deep lakes never to be found again each week in America… Read more
In a both bold and stunning political parlay California Governor Gavin Newsom Orders the Cal National Guard To Offer LBGT Merchandise to its members "or else". Governor Gavin Newsom ordered the States reserved armed forces to immediately offer LGBTQ-sensitive attire or he is going to double down by letting his homeless and drug using population defecate not only in the street but also make every parked vehicle in the State a safe… Read more
MA - A Cambridge gender fluid couple were sent to the hospital last night and eventually jailed for a very awkward position where a man had his stead stuck inside of another man during a heated passionate encounter in which the police are calling "an unnatural and lascivious act with another person". Martin and Richard Cranium, a young couple from downtown Cambridge phoned in to 911 at roughly 11:00 pm last night… Read more
NJ - A Cape May summer home for a prominent politician was raided early Monday morning from a state and federal strike force as well as the FBI, the state labor commissioner announced yesterday in what they are calling one of the most disturbing raids of our generation. "We thought it was the families summer home. It looked like nothing more than just a great place to vacation. But what we found… Read more
Weekend domestic violence sky rockets after the recent Women’s March organized by the ever growing facebook group@womensmarchonwash. The march on Times Square by Saturday's March For Women's Rights Protesters sent shock waves over the nation for the weekend, as police departments everywhere have reported huge spikes in domestic violence calls since, and directly after the organized event. 911 centers across several metropolitan areas are literally experiencing outages causing battered and abused callers… Read more
NEW YORK — In what some are calling an absurd move, Schumer calls for Irish, Italian, and Polish to be placed on a Travel Ban that he says is "much overdue". The Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer teared up today with a beautiful Amy Schumer at his side, begging President Trump to add Irish, Italian and Polish to the National U.S. Travel Ban. He had this to say in an opening statement: For… Read more
NEW YORK – Trump Conglomerate industries announced today an agreement entered for the sale of the much controversial activist group "Black Lives Matter". "This is big... no, huge" Trump said before driving a 400 yard long drive from the Augusta fairway wearing a gold replica Masters Jacket autographed by Tiger Woods. "But the media doesn't say a word, too busy attacking my administration. Fact is, we are connecting with African Americans in… Read more
In one of the most anticipated Tesla updates in some time, the latest mode will pit drivers against each other in a survival battle mode. Tesla Inc., owned by Elon Musk, has announced that the latest version of the Tesla autopilot will have the most anticipated feature in its short existence, a 'Battle Royale' mode where drivers will bash into each other until there is only one vehicle in operation. In an… Read more
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