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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark initiative aimed at boosting inclusivity in the armed forces, Admiral Rachel Levine this week announced the rollout of the Department of Defense’s new “Queer-Readiness Protocol,” a mandatory policy designed to ensure all branches of the military are “operationally fabulous” by 2026.
The program includes comprehensive LGBTQ+ sensitivity training, gender-affirming combat uniforms, and the reclassification of all military vehicles as “they/them.” According to internal memos, the Marines will also begin offering “emotional support drag brunches” in forward operating bases, while the Navy is reportedly testing sonar systems that can detect microaggressions at sea.
“Combat effectiveness is important,” said Admiral Levine during a press briefing held in front of a camouflage Pride flag, “but feeling safe while executing drone strikes is more important.”
Within hours of the announcement, multiple Fox News personalities reportedly suffered minor medical episodes from trying to pronounce “genderfluid artillery logistics” live on air.
Critics on the right called the move “a Marxist coup disguised as a glitter bomb,” while supporters argue it’s just the Pentagon’s latest effort to diversify an institution that still, as one general anonymously admitted, “believes MREs are a food group.”
When pressed about whether the changes might affect military readiness, Levine was blunt. “Inclusion is readiness. If we can’t drop a precision-guided bomb and properly use someone’s pronouns at the same time, what are we even fighting for?”
In a separate interview with PBS Newshour, Levine revealed plans to rename Fort Bragg to “Fort They/Them,” though she emphasized the name change was “purely symbolic” and “absolutely mandatory.”
Despite initial backlash, early reports suggest morale among younger troops has actually improved. “The inclusive language helps a lot,” said Private Devon Smith, 23, stationed at Fort Bliss. “I didn’t know I could be vaporized by a missile and still feel seen.”
Meanwhile, President Biden said he supports the effort, though appeared briefly confused during a press event, stating, “Admiral Levine is doing incredible work ensuring that… uh… submarines feel… welcome. Or maybe the submariners. Either way, God bless her.”
The “Queer-Readiness Protocol” is expected to be fully implemented by next spring, coinciding with the launch of Operation Safe Space: the first military campaign to be jointly sanctioned by NATO and RuPaul.
