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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Donald Trump took the stage Tuesday at Mar-a-Lago to unveil what he called “the greatest, classiest, most beautiful trade deal in American history,” proudly revealing a custom-made, life-size statue of Chun-Li, the iconic fighter from Street Fighter, flanked by a pair of velvet ropes and a live marching band playing a slowed-down version of her theme.
In exchange for the statue, the United States agreed to a series of staggering concessions to Japan, including:
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A 25-year lease on over 400,000 acres of American farmland in the Midwest, to be used for foreign-operated food production.
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Exclusive access to key mineral reserves in Nevada and Utah, including lithium, cobalt, and rare earths “needed for electric things and also iPads.”
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A temporary waiver on all import tariffs for Japanese consumer goods through 2035.
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And what Trump described as “limited strategic control” over “a small, completely non-vital section of the Pacific.” (Unconfirmed reports suggest this refers to Guam.)
Despite concerns from economists, military analysts, and every living former Secretary of State, Trump insisted the deal was a win for America.
“Japan gets what they need — their little grains, their gadgets, their sushi rice,” Trump said. “But what do we get? We get Chun-Li. And not just any Chun-Li. This one’s made of bronze, she’s got legs for freedom, and she’s American now.”
The statue, which stands 6’2” and weighs over 900 pounds, was custom-fabricated by a Tokyo-based firm that specializes in anime tributes and “respectful thirst traps.” It currently resides in the Mar-a-Lago Grand Hall, under a chandelier once used during the Reagan administration.
“She’s strong. She fights communism. She wears red, white, and blue — if you squint a little,” Trump continued. “Frankly, I’d rather have one Chun-Li than one thousand boring international agreements. And I got her without even losing Iowa.”
When pressed by reporters about the strategic and economic consequences of the agreement, Trump waved them off.
“Nobody ever talks about how Japan never gave us a Chun-Li before. Obama never asked. Biden probably thinks she’s a soup.”
Japanese officials, while reportedly “deeply confused” by the former president’s priorities, accepted the deal without objection. One senior trade envoy was quoted as saying, “We were originally just asking to renegotiate some import taxes. Then he offered us farmland. We said yes.”
The unveiling ceremony included speeches, a drone flyover, and a brief PowerPoint presentation titled “CHUN-LI: STRENGTH, LEGS, LIBERTY.”
Meanwhile, the Bureau of Economic Analysis issued a quiet advisory warning that the deal may impact domestic food supply, energy security, and international credibility “for at least a generation, or until the statue is melted down for parts.”
As of press time, Trump was reportedly in early negotiations with South Korea to acquire a statue of D.Va from Overwatch, offering up partial access to Alaska and the rights to the phrase “eSports.”
According to a New report, foreign companies have been quietly acquiring U.S. farmland — though experts say trading it for a Chun-Li statue sets a bold new precedent in bad deals.
