Health 🩺

Nothing is in stone yet, but Mark Zuckerberg is taking the Corona battle to the final round, by suggesting drastic measures may be met to ensure its users are getting their vaccines when released. In a response to Trump's daily virus briefings which he so black heartedly dubbed the "China virus", Tech giants across the world have started holding similar counter intelligence briefings, often discussing the importance of mandatory vaccines and Xenaphobia.… Read more

NY - after Cardi B's installation of her new gold grill a particular problem arose, saliva. A lot of saliva. So much spit excretes from cardi B's mouth when she raps because of her new gold underbite, that the first few rows of fans literally get "sprayed" to the point of dampness after just a few songs. While this normally wouldn't be a problem Cardi B came out last month as both… Read more

Atlanta Georgia - a seventeen-year-old Make-A-Wish Foundation teenager shocked the foundation by reportedly wishing for a private show from the popular pornographic actress Stormy Daniels, as well as a "happy ending" whatever that may entail. Bryon Singer, who is currently suffering from a life-threatening case of engorged testicles from the popular internet challenge 'no nut November', was downgraded to terminal earlier this week when Make-a-Wish reached out to the young man. Bryon… Read more

NATIONAL: according to multiple affiliate reports there have been over a dozen hospital visits as well as 1 death in relation to the internet challenge taking the states by storm -- 'No Nut November'. This internet challenge dares men to stop ejaculating for the entire month of November to raise awareness for men who fall victim to spousal abuse, family court inequality and feminism. Health experts across the board however claim that… Read more

Buffalo NY - police and fire paramedics were dispatched to a Westside Applebee's late Tuesday night after idle threats became real threats. 31 year old Angie Morales weren't from suggesting she blow up the bathroom to following through after she spent 45 minutes in the bathroom causing an ungodly "human safety hazard" which closed the restaurant's doors for the remainder of the night. Security footage reviewed by the Buffalo PD shows the… Read more

Military personnel are in the spotlight again as the VA health system has denied Army staff sergeant Marcus Alexander his veteran medical and disability benefits. Why? They claim the sergeants gunshot wounds and subsequent complications are pre-existing. According to the military, Sergeant Alexander was shot three times, twice in the buttocks and once in the leg, prior to enlisting in the military and being deployed to Afghanistan. "This is beyond absurd" says… Read more

MA - A Cambridge gender fluid couple were sent to the hospital last night and eventually jailed for a very awkward position where a man had his stead stuck inside of another man during a heated passionate encounter in which the police are calling "an unnatural and lascivious act with another person". Martin and Richard Cranium, a young couple from downtown Cambridge phoned in to 911 at roughly 11:00 pm last night… Read more

American Airlines launched a wide range of sedation kits earlier this week in hopes to subdue younger passengers and reduce unwanted horseplay, kicking, screaming and other destructive behavior during the flights. These kits also range for those full-size adults who struggle with behavior issues. The airline company in an official announcement today States: we believe our kits are welcomed by just about everybody who flies the friendly Skies. The fast-acting kit which… Read more

Bloomington Indiana | The unthinkable happened earlier this month when 83 year old Martin Rutherford died of an adverse reaction caused from this year's flu vaccine. Martin Rutherford who was in the moderate stages of Alzheimer's disease was only recently stripped of his right to drive his daughter Melissa Rutherford said, so it was not uncommon for the elderly gentleman to walk around town visiting multiple drug stores, typically for scratch off… Read more

Arkansas | A Little Rock woman, Peggy O' Shanty has lost virtually all sight in her left eye after a practical joke goes awry. Peggy, a 27 year-old Little Rock native was sleeping in the back of the families pop up camper when her brother, 27 year old Dennis O'Shanty decided to ejaculate on her face as part of a practical joke for a viral video he later posted to Facebook, Twitter… Read more