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Supreme Court Declares “Beauty Quota” Unconstitutional
In a decision that legal analysts are calling “the end of an era” for cable news, the United States Supreme Court ruled 8-0 on Wednesday that FOX News must immediately hire “a statistically representative sample of unattractive women” as news personalities. The majority opinion, penned by Chief Justice John Roberts, declared that the network’s “historically exclusionary hiring practices” violate basic standards of fairness and threaten the delicate balance of American breakfast television.
“The Court has reviewed the evidence,” Roberts wrote, “including but not limited to FOX News’ holiday party photo archives, the annual ‘Fox & Friends’ swimsuit calendar, and 15 years of Bill O’Reilly’s on-air giggling. There is a glaring absence of aesthetic diversity. This cannot continue.”
Justice Brett Kavanaugh recused himself, citing “personal conflicts of interest” and the need to, as he put it, “reflect quietly in a room without windows.”
Media Reacts as Networks Scramble
The ruling sent immediate shockwaves through the FOX News boardroom. According to unnamed sources, executives briefly considered pivoting to radio, before settling on a nationwide talent search “from DMV lines, minor league softball teams, and the staff breakroom at Hobby Lobby.”
President Trump, no stranger to Twitter storms or controversial cable news appearances, responded within minutes:
“Very sad day for America. I always said FOX had the most beautiful women, the best, everyone says so. Now, maybe I will have to switch to C-SPAN. Nobody wants that. DISASTER!”
Meanwhile, rival networks appeared to gloat. MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, long a target of FOX’s on-air jabs, commented live on her show:
“I’d like to officially welcome our FOX colleagues to the world of grown-up news. Glasses are in the mail, ladies.”
CNN’s Jeanne Moos, who once won a Peabody for a segment on “unusual-shaped produce,” added, “Finally, some representation for those of us who were told to ‘work behind the scenes.’”
Industry insiders say the change will not be easy. One anonymous FOX producer admitted, “Honestly, we haven’t updated the teleprompter font size in twenty years. We might need to start printing scripts in braille. Or switch to AM radio.”
Court Mandates Compliance by Sweeps Week
The Court’s decision requires FOX News to hire at least six “visually unremarkable” women by the start of the next ratings period. To ensure compliance, the Court appointed a special master: a retired judge with “years of experience in municipal court traffic dockets and little to no patience for hair extensions.”
Justice Sonia Sotomayor, concurring, wrote:
“The American people have suffered long enough. Let the world see that news is about substance, not synchronized twirling in the green room. If I wanted to see high heels and big hair, I would watch reruns of ‘Dallas.’”
FOX’s official statement was terse: “We respect the decision of the Supreme Court and look forward to building a more inclusive newsroom, even if it means slightly lower ratings.”
As the country braces for a new era of televised news, many are left to wonder if viewers will even notice the difference—or just switch to TikTok.
