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Donald Trump has declared many wars in his political career — on windmills, on toilets that “don’t flush right,” on the English language itself — but today he opened up a brand-new front: Tylenol. In a rambling press conference that had aides Googling “how to walk into the ocean,” Trump announced that acetaminophen “causes tremendous autism, the most autism, especially for babies still in the womb. I’ve read many articles, the best articles. Doctors say so. Some people are saying it’s worse than China.”
Within hours, America’s streets filled with chaos — not over inflation, not over wars, not even over climate collapse. No, the country united in the dumbest way possible: thousands poured into the streets demanding the immediate return of their beloved Tylenol. The most aggressive demographic? Pregnant moms with bright blue and pink hair, screaming like they were auditioning for a feminist punk revival tour.
Pregnant Mums for Tylenol
One bloc of protestors marched behind a banner that read “PREGNANT MUMS FOR TYLENOL,” chanting in unison like a very caffeinated PTA meeting. Many claimed Trump’s announcement was not only junk science but also a personal attack on their headache management routine.
“Listen, I’m 34 weeks pregnant, I haven’t slept in four nights, and if you try to take my Tylenol, I will absolutely fistfight you in the diaper aisle of Target,” screamed Madison Phillips, a Brooklyn resident with neon-blue bangs.
“First he came for our stoves, then he came for our gas cars, and now he comes for our Tylenol,” shouted an enraged protestor named Karen with bubblegum-pink hair. “What’s next, prenatal yoga? My water might break right here from sheer stress.”
The group’s official demand? “Give us our Tylenol back — or else enjoy the chorus of hormonal rage echoing through America’s suburbs.”
Celebrities Join the Pain Parade
Predictably, celebrities could not resist weighing in. Chrissy Teigen tweeted, “Ok but like what do we even TAKE when we’re pregnant now?? Whiskey???” Cardi B went live on Instagram, screaming, “I got a headache RIGHT NOW, Trump! This is oppression, okurrrr?”
Even the usually apolitical Guy Fieri weighed in from Flavortown:
“You take away Tylenol from America, you take away the first step in my hangover cure. That’s not just an attack on moms, that’s an attack on diners, drive-ins, and dives everywhere.”
Meanwhile, Dr. Oz appeared on Fox News attempting to defend the ban, calling it “a great opportunity for alternative medicine like rubbing essential oils on your temples while chanting your credit card number.” He was booed by his own live studio audience.
The Blue-Haired Resistance
By nightfall, every Walgreens in America was boarded up like a hurricane zone, as angry mobs of expectant mothers with hair the color of Funfetti frosting staged sit-ins in the pain relief aisle. Some clutched signs reading, “Hands Off Our Tylenol” while others passed around smuggled bottles like contraband.
“We’ve lived through shortages of toilet paper, baby formula, and Sriracha,” said protestor Tiffany, whose purple bob glowed under the fluorescent lights. “But this? This is where we draw the line. No Tylenol, no peace.”
“Trump doesn’t understand pregnancy,” muttered Ashley, 29, visibly sweating while balancing a La Croix on her baby bump. “He’s never had to fight heartburn and swollen ankles at the same time. Honestly, this is terrorism.”
The chants grew louder: “What do we want? TYLENOL! When do we want it? NOW!”
A Nation in Headache
By midnight, pharmacies nationwide had sold out of every generic acetaminophen product, leading some desperate protestors to chew Children’s Grape-Flavored Tylenol like it was festival candy.
The movement shows no sign of slowing. Tomorrow, organizers plan a “Million Mom March for Pain Relief,” with rumors of celebrity performances by Pink, Billie Eilish, and Post Malone — who reportedly said he would “tattoo Tylenol on his face in solidarity.”
As one angry mother summarized while waving a half-empty bottle like the Statue of Liberty’s torch:
“First they came for our Tylenol, and I said nothing. Actually, no, I screamed immediately. And I’m not stopping until I get my f***ing Tylenol back.”
America is fractured. But for once, it’s fractured over the only thing that can heal it: an over-the-counter pill shaped like a tiny white miracle.
