New study claims marijuana use may lead to homosexuality

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LOS ANGELES, CA — A 247-page academic paper released by UCLA’s Department of Medical Sciences has concluded that prolonged recreational marijuana use may result in what researchers are calling “a statistically curious pivot toward homosexual behavior.”

The study, led by senior researcher and professor of human physiology Dr. Hans Juergen, began as a routine exploration of the neurological impacts of THC. However, it quickly took what Dr. Juergen described in a press release as “a very surprising but scientifically undeniable detour.”

“Our initial goal was to monitor cognitive changes in male test subjects under varying levels of THC exposure,” Juergen wrote. “Instead, we began to observe a consistent behavioral trajectory: a steady evolution from casual marijuana use to what can only be described as an intense and sustained interest in smoking phallic objects—figurative and otherwise.”

The research outlines a detailed methodology, beginning with participants smoking what the report terms “pinner joints” and advancing them gradually through larger and more elaborate paraphernalia. Within two weeks, many subjects had graduated to “water-cooled, industrial-grade bongs with enough suction to reverse the jet stream.”

By day 14, Juergen’s team reported what they classified as “non-negligible pole-smoking behavior.”

“In virtually every case, the participants insisted it was for the ‘bigger high,’” the report noted. “But we began noticing a pattern of eye contact, intentional slow exhalation, and post-session cuddling that seemed inconsistent with standard marijuana use.”

To rule out existing biases, researchers exposed participants to explicit LGBT content prior to cannabis administration. Initial responses ranged from discomfort to polite confusion. But after sustained marijuana use, researchers observed “a marked decrease in heterosexual posturing” and “the voluntary sharing of Spotify playlists titled ‘Vibey Gay Sh*t.’”

The study’s conclusion suggests that the combination of three factors—oral fixation through paraphernalia, heightened sensory openness while high, and the inherently phallic nature of drug delivery systems—may converge to create what Dr. Juergen refers to as “situational homo-affinity.”

When asked whether the study’s findings imply causation or simply correlation, Dr. Juergen paused, then said, “All I know is: 50 dudes came in here straight and now they’re organizing a group trip to Fire Island. You do the math.”

The findings have been published in several peer-reviewed journals, including PubMed, WebMD, and, for reasons not fully explained, Bon Appétit.