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The Collab Nobody Asked For, But Liberals Bought Anyway
Dr. Squatch has revealed its most unusual collaboration to date: a limited-edition bar soap called Big Grrrl Bubbles, infused with actual droplets of Lizzo’s bathwater. The soap debuted online at $14.99 and sold out in minutes, with thousands of progressives proudly announcing that they had “finally found hygiene that aligns with their values.”
The bar promises a combination of eucalyptus oil, kale extract, and Lizzo’s post-tour bathwater “sanitized for safety, but not for flavor,” according to the press release. The fragrance is described as citrus-forward, with notes of grapefruit, pine, and “a trace of authenticity.”
“I have never felt so clean and so politically correct at the same time,” said Brooklyn resident Darren Klein, who bought six bars before checkout crashed. “Every time I lather, I feel like I’m rinsing away systemic oppression and also moisturizing.”
Bathwater as Brand Identity
The idea reportedly came from Lizzo herself. “I told them, everyone has soap, but nobody has me in their soap,” she said in a TikTok teaser. “If you don’t like it, that just means you’re dirty.”
Dr. Squatch executives were quick to embrace the concept. One spokesperson described the collab as “the logical next step in wellness culture,” adding that consumers “don’t just want to be clean, they want to be cleansed by their idols, right down to their butt cracks.”
Industry analysts agree that celebrity bathwater has become an unlikely commodity. “It started as a joke,” explained one marketing strategist. “But every time a star bottles their fluids, it sells out faster than sneakers. It’s both capitalism and kink at the same time.”
The Fan Frenzy
Fans rushed to secure the bars, with the site crashing twice in the first five minutes. Within an hour, resale listings began appearing on eBay for $250 per bar, with some bundles including “authentic Lizzo residue” scraped from soap dishes.
One fan posted a viral video unboxing his bar and taking a deep whiff. “Smells like empowerment,” he said, before admitting it also smelled “a warm turtle tank.” Another wrote, “This is the closest I will ever get to Lizzo naked, and that’s okay with me.”
Others were more practical. “I don’t even plan to use mine,” explained self-proclaimed collector Alicia Nguyen. “I’m vacuum-sealing it. This is going to pay for my kid’s college someday, assuming she gets into Oberlin.”
The Critics Respond
Not everyone is enthusiastic. Conservative pundits wasted no time mocking the launch. “First it was oat milk, now it’s bathwater,” said one television host. “Liberals will literally rub anything on their bodies as long as it comes with a hashtag and a price tag.”
Still, critics admit the marketing is effective. “If Lizzo bottled her sweat and called it Resistance Nectar, Whole Foods shoppers would line up with reusable jars,” joked one political analyst. “The resale market alone would fund half of Portland.”
Even within Lizzo’s fanbase, some skeptics questioned the purchase. “It feels weird to rub a stranger’s bathwater on my skin,” admitted one fan on Reddit. “But at the same time, it feels weirder not to when everyone else is doing it.”
What’s Actually Inside the Bar?
According to Dr. Squatch, each bar contains a few sanitized droplets from Lizzo’s personal tub, along with exfoliating chia seeds and “a sprinkle of biodegradable glitter that probably came off her butt.” The company insists the product meets all health standards, though it declined to specify how much bathwater is included per bar.
One factory worker leaked that the process involved “a turkey baster and a lot of denial.” Another admitted, “I’ve been on the production line for twelve years, and this is the first time I’ve thought, maybe I should have stayed in accounting.”
Lizzo herself brushed off questions about hygiene. “It’s just water,” she laughed. “Y’all have been buying Dasani for years and nobody asked what’s in that.”
Resale Mania
Like all things bathwater, resale prices skyrocketed immediately. eBay listings went as high as $400 for unopened bars, while one seller claimed to have “licked the soap once” and started bidding at $100. StockX created a new category called Artisanal Celebrity Fluids, where Big Grrrl Bubbles now ranks above Kylie Jenner’s used tissues and Harry Styles’ half-eaten banana.
Collectors have even begun trading soaps like NFTs, with one Discord user boasting, “I’m holding three bars until the midterms. The value doubles when Lizzo tweets about voting.”
The Bigger Picture
For Dr. Squatch, this collaboration may be a turning point. A company once known for rugged, pine-scented bars now finds itself leading the celebrity-fluid market. Executives hint more collabs are on the way, with rumors swirling about Billie Eilish’s Shower Steam and Pete Davidson’s Beard Scrub.
Marketing experts say it is both ridiculous and inevitable. “If consumers are willing to buy celebrity bathwater,” said one professor of consumer behavior, “brands would be foolish not to sell it. Soap has become less about cleaning your body and more about cleaning your conscience.”
Conclusion
At $14.99 a bar, Lizzo’s Big Grrrl Bubbles may be the first soap that promises both hygiene and moral superiority. Whether you actually use it, display it, or resell it for rent money, the message is clear: the future of self-care is moist, expensive, and infused with celebrity essence.
As one liberal fan proudly posted on Instagram, holding up his bar with tears in his eyes: “Just washed my balls with Lizzo’s bathwater. I’ve never felt cleaner, queerer, or more validated in my life.”
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