Lampoon Tribune The most trusted news on the net. Facts first.
Related Articles
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — In a surprise early morning raid, Columbia House officials — now operating as a fully deputized recovery agency — apprehended local man Eric Halvorsen, 44, for the non-payment of 13 compact discs ordered between 1992 and 1994.
Halvorsen, who had assumed the company “went out of business, or just gave up like everyone else,” was taken into custody after agents in full tactical gear knocked on his door holding a faded invoice, a Metallica album, and something that appeared to be an AOL trial CD repurposed as a badge.
“I thought it was a scam,” said Halvorsen, visibly shaken as officers placed him in handcuffs. “I was 13. I didn’t even have a job. But yeah, I got the 12 CDs for a penny. And yeah… I never paid for the 13th. I didn’t think they’d… send people.”
Columbia House spokesperson Sandra Lipke confirmed the operation was part of a new initiative called “Operation Final Trackdown,” a multistage effort to recover outstanding debts from an estimated 4.3 million Americans who participated in the company’s notoriously generous mail-order music program and then, in her words, “ghosted us like cowards.”
“Let me be clear,” Lipke said at a press conference. “You don’t just order Spin Doctors and Ace of Base in 1993 and then walk away free. We gave you En Vogue. We gave you Counting Crows. You owe us. With interest.”
The company, long believed to be defunct, has reportedly restructured itself as a shadowy collections-and-vinyl subscription hybrid, complete with recovery teams, forensic accountants, and a small fleet of vans powered entirely by resentment.
In response to public outcry over the aggressive tactics, Lipke remained unapologetic. “We sent letters. We made calls. We even tried guilt. You didn’t listen. Now you’ll listen… to the sound of justice. On remastered CD.”
Officials say Halvorsen will be held until he can produce the missing payment of $19.95 plus shipping — or provide proof he returned the CD of Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill that was mailed “accidentally” in 1995.
More arrests are expected.
