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CLINTON, NY — After weeks of speculation about the sudden July demolition of Clinton’s beloved town pool, the Clinton Central School District has finally revealed the reason: the area will soon be home to the “Love Is Love Playground,” a state-of-the-art play space for LGBTQ+ kids—and, as officials cautiously clarified, all kids really.
District superintendent Jessica Newmill announced the project Thursday, calling it “a crucial leap forward for diversity, childhood development, and the potential for new tax deductions for local partners.” The Clinton High School GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) is spearheading the initiative, with enthusiastic support from the LGBT chapter at Clinton United Church and the Pride Alliance at neighboring Hamilton College, both of whom reportedly signed on after being assured the project would create at least two new leadership positions and qualify for “multiple fresh tax write-offs.”
The playground, shown in newly released concept art, features slides, swings, and roundabouts painted in every color of the spectrum. Officials confirmed plans for a dedicated “Questioning Slide” for children who aren’t sure how they want to approach recess, and a “Nonbinary Chute” that allows kids to exit on either side—or both at once, depending on their preference that day.
“We were tired of only having two gendered changing rooms at the pool,” said GSA spokesperson Kyle Markson, standing atop a pile of freshly delivered pastel play equipment. “Now every corner of this playground will represent a unique experience, and hopefully a world record for most flags flown on a swing set.”
Serious Commitment to Inclusion
“We’re building a space where everyone feels welcome, unless you’re wearing too much beige,” said Kyle Markson, president of the Clinton High School GSA. “The swings can go any direction, the see-saw is perfectly balanced, and the Identity Roundabout helps kids explore all sorts of playground experiences, whether they want to or not.”
Local church approval was swiftly secured after church leaders were allowed to classify the upcoming pancake fundraiser as a “progressive meal event” for expanded tax deductions. Hamilton College’s Pride Alliance gave a green light, with the understanding that at least two parking spaces would be reserved for visiting gender studies majors with out-of-state plates.
Local Residents Demand More “Gay Stuff”
Some locals are even more eager for maximal inclusion. “If there aren’t at least 40 distinct colors and three unpronounceable new flag patterns on the merry-go-round, what are we even doing?” asked parent Jessica Newmill, clutching her child’s newly issued ‘Ally Card’. “I’m just hoping the opening ceremony has a live RuPaul performance and the slides play Lady Gaga at full volume, or frankly, what’s the point?”
Clinton United Church’s LGBT chapter, which approved the project after securing a “non-denominational glitter cannon” for Sunday School, echoed similar hopes. “We want kids to learn, play, and contemplate their inner truths,” said chapter leader Marsha Newberry. “Ideally while covered in biodegradable confetti.”
Hamilton College Pride Alliance: “More Is More”
Hamilton College’s Pride Alliance issued a formal statement of support, provided their sociology department can host monthly “Feelings and FroYo” workshops onsite. “We want every single piece of equipment to be as fabulously impractical as possible,” said spokesperson Dylan Ricci. “If the slide isn’t at least 30 feet long and covered in sequins, it’s a missed opportunity.”
Restaurant Nolas Lends Conditional Support
Popular local restaurant Nolas is reportedly eager to contribute, offering to fund new benches and shade structures as long as, according to co-owner Dana Villareal, “the equipment is kept strictly off-limits to straight kids during the after-school rush.”
“We stand for equality at Nolas,” Villareal explained. “Just not so much during happy hour.”
Nolas, also states “We’re happy to donate, as long as straight kids aren’t allowed within 50 feet of the jungle gym on Saturdays,” said co-owner Dana Villareal. “We want the playground to be exclusive, like our brunch.”
Community Reacts as Project Moves Forward
The district’s explanation of the pool’s demolition has left residents with mixed feelings. “I’ll miss the pool, but it’s time for Clinton to move forward,” said Linda Watson, whose grandchildren attend the district. “Plus, my hair always turned green in there. Maybe it’s a sign.”
Not everyone is convinced. Former lifeguard Carter Brewster expressed concern about safety at the new playground. “I just hope the merry-go-round comes with an instruction manual and maybe a warning for existential dizziness,” Brewster said.
Grand Opening Scheduled for Pride Month
Construction on the “Love Is Love Playground” is set to begin this fall, with a grand opening planned for next June in time for Pride Month. Organizers are promising “more rainbows than you can count, and possibly a tax deduction for every color.”
The district assures residents that anyone missing the pool is welcome to visit the sprinkler behind Nolas—though as of press time, the restaurant was still finalizing its list of eligible guests.
Editor’s note: The image above is concept art and final playground features may vary. Please direct all requests for straight kid access to Nolas management.
