PORTLAND, OR — Local software designer Lucas Whittaker experienced a rapid series of emotional shifts Tuesday evening after reading a news article about a man who died from COVID-19, according to those familiar with the incident. Whittaker, 29, reportedly began by expressing deep sympathy for the unnamed victim. “It’s just …

OMAHA, NE— A sleepy suburban neighborhood in Omaha was reduced to smoking rubble early Tuesday morning after Nintendo reportedly deployed an elite paramilitary strike force in a ruthless crackdown against residents accused of creating and distributing homemade Legend of Zelda-themed keychains without proper licensing. Eyewitness accounts from survivors of the …

Thousands face penalties after watching “Busty MILFs 7” without proper documentation By Staff | July 31, 2025 | London, UK The British government has confirmed that more than 14,000 citizens are under investigation for unauthorized wanking following the rollout of the UK’s new Wank Licensing Scheme, a digital regulation program …

Claims iconic Super Mario power-up may contribute to “distorted neurological expectations” in children By Staff | July 28, 2025 | Washington, D.C. U.S. Secretary of Health Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has directed a preliminary review into the potential neurological impacts of Power Stars featured in Nintendo’s Super Mario video game …

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Donald Trump took the stage Tuesday at Mar-a-Lago to unveil what he called “the greatest, classiest, most beautiful trade deal in American history,” proudly revealing a custom-made, life-size statue of Chun-Li, the iconic fighter from Street Fighter, flanked by a pair of velvet ropes and …

Robin’s Unraveling In the heart of a bustling park, under a sky heavy with summer clouds, Robin stood tall—or at least, she tried to. The photo captured her in that fleeting moment of defiance: curly hair tousled by the breeze, sunglasses perched on her nose, and her hands gripping a …

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — In a surprise early morning raid, Columbia House officials — now operating as a fully deputized recovery agency — apprehended local man Eric Halvorsen, 44, for the non-payment of 13 compact discs ordered between 1992 and 1994. Halvorsen, who had assumed the company “went out of business, …

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a landmark initiative aimed at boosting inclusivity in the armed forces, Admiral Rachel Levine this week announced the rollout of the Department of Defense’s new “Queer-Readiness Protocol,” a mandatory policy designed to ensure all branches of the military are “operationally fabulous” by 2026. The program includes …