Hollywood, Hyrule – In an unprecedented move that has left the gaming community scratching their heads and checking if they’ve somehow stumbled into an alternate reality, Nintendo and Sony Pictures have announced that veteran actor John Leguizamo will don the iconic green tunic and pointy hat to star as Link in the highly anticipated live-action adaptation of “The Legend of Zelda.”
The decision comes as a shock to many, considering Leguizamo’s age and previous stint in the Nintendo cinematic universe as Luigi in the 1993 cult classic “Super Mario Bros.” movie, which has been lovingly described as an experience akin to a fever dream that somehow manifested onto celluloid.
“We know John’s portrayal of Luigi left some fans wanting,” said Nintendo’s head of public relations, Ivana shanele, “so we thought, why not give him another swing at a Nintendo character? After all, second time’s the charm, right?”
Sony Pictures, who secured the rights to the film in a move that nobody really understood, considering their track record with video game adaptations, has backed the decision. A Sony exec, speaking under the condition of anonymity, expressed their enthusiasm for the casting. “Leguizamo is basically synonymous with Nintendo at this point. And let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want to see the guy who played Luigi now take on a silent protagonist? It’s box office gold.”
The internet has been ablaze with speculation and concern. “Will Link speak?” asked one fan, to which the studios confirmed that Link will indeed have a voice and that it will be a series of grunts and gasps provided by Leguizamo himself, recorded as he does his own stunts, allegedly including an attempt to ride an actual ostrich for a faithful recreation of a Loftwing.
Longtime fans of the franchise are baffled by the studios’ choice, given that Leguizamo is now in his 60s and Link is traditionally portrayed as a youthful hero. However, the studios have put those concerns to rest, stating that “CGI de-aging is really sophisticated these days. Or we might just go with the narrative that Hyrule has really good skincare routines.”
In a statement released by Leguizamo, the actor said, “I’m thrilled to once again step into the world of Nintendo. I’ve been practicing my sword swings and ocarina playing. I mean, how hard can it be to play an instrument with no holes?”
The film promises a plot involving time travel, a move insiders suggest was designed to explain Leguizamo’s mature Link alongside flashbacks to his younger self, which will be portrayed through the magic of CGI, archival footage from the ’90s, and possibly a cardboard cutout from the actor’s “The Pest” era for certain action scenes.
“There’s going to be a lot of running around in forests, some light puzzle-solving, and at least one scene where Link has to fish something out of a pond,” said the director, who insisted on anonymity until they can gauge how the news is received. “We’re also workshopping a scene where Leguizamo’s Link dramatically exclaims, ‘Excuse me, princess!’ because we know fans love when we reference the classics.”
The film, tentatively titled “The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, Present, and Whatever This Is,” is set to begin filming as soon as the studios can assure Leguizamo that the Master Sword is not actually cursed. Fans remain cautiously optimistic, with many suggesting they’ll reserve judgment until they see the first trailer or at least until they can confirm this isn’t just an elaborate April Fools’ joke.
