Microsoft’s Next-Gen Xbox to Feature Pronoun Policing, Self-Destructing Discs, and Weekly DNA Checks

**REDMOND, WA –** In what appears to be the most audacious leap in gaming technology, a recent leak has revealed that Microsoft’s next-generation Xbox will come equipped with features that are as innovative as they are invasive. Codenamed “Xbox Nanny,” the new system reportedly aims to create a utopian gaming community through hardware that will permanently ban users who mispronoun their fellow gamers, discs that self-destruct after fifty uses, and a bi-weekly DNA check to access games.

The leak, originating from a disgruntled intern who tripped over a power cord and was inspired to “pull the plug” on company secrets, has set the internet ablaze with speculation and outrage.

The most controversial of these features is the “Pronoun Patrol Protocol” (PPP). Using advanced AI, the Xbox Nanny will listen to voice chats and analyze text messages for pronoun usage. Fail to respect someone’s pronouns? The system will issue a warning. Repeat the offense, and the Xbox Nanny will brick your console faster than you can say “What’s your gamertag?”

In defense of the feature, a Microsoft spokesperson offered a statement: “We at Microsoft are committed to inclusivity. With the PPP, we take a firm stance against misgendering, ensuring a safe space for all gamers. Plus, it’s a great way to sell more consoles!”

The self-destructing discs are part of Microsoft’s new “Planned Playsolescence” initiative. Each game disc is embedded with a microchip that counts the number of times it’s inserted into the console. On the 51st insertion, the disc will combust into a cloud of environmentally friendly confetti, prompting players to repurchase their favorite games or subscribe to Xbox Game Pass Ultimate Super Deluxe Edition.

“It’s not a bug, it’s a feature,” the spokesperson added, winking. “Gamers love to collect, and what’s more collectible than a limited-use disc? Get ready to experience the thrill of buying your favorite game over and over again!”

But the piece de resistance is the weekly DNA check. In an effort to prevent account sharing, the Xbox Nanny will require a mouth swab every seven days. “It’s simple: No saliva, no Skyrim,” the spokesperson explained. “This ensures that each account is as unique as the DNA of its owner, providing an intimate gaming experience like no other.”

Privacy advocates have raised alarms about the DNA checks, but Microsoft assures that the data will only be used for verification purposes and possibly to clone your favorite gaming influencers for future Xbox Live events.

Gamers have taken to social media to voice their concerns, with one tweeting, “I just wanted to play Halo, not provide a genetic blueprint for the next Master Chief.”

In response to the leak, Microsoft has neither confirmed nor denied the existence of the Xbox Nanny. Instead, they released a cryptic statement: “The future of gaming is on the horizon, and we’re excited to redefine what it means to turn on, tune in, and drop out of social norms.”

As the gaming community waits with bated breath, many are left wondering if Microsoft’s next console will truly herald a new dawn of gaming or if it will go down in history as the Big Brother of the digital age.